How do I dig myself out of this hole?

Discussion in 'Off Topic Discussion' started by Twimfy, Sep 8, 2013.

  1. Twimfy

    Twimfy Site Supporter 2015

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    So life is pretty shit right now.

    3 weeks ago my girlfriend unexpectedly finished with me which has screwed me up a lot. Having not felt right for years I visited a doctor and it turns out I'm suffering from severe depression and social anxiety.

    Other than the iOS app work I do from time to time I've been unemployed for nearly a year now with no respite (I live in the middle of nowhere with my parents and there just aren't job opportunities for me here). I'm too over qualified to get a minimum wage job and I'm too under qualified in any specific area to go into a field.

    I only have a handful of really good friends but they all live at least an hours drive away and seeing as I don't have enough money for fuel it's difficult to meet up with any of them and because they work a lot they don't have the time to come see me. In addition the water pump has failed on my car and even though it's only a £25 fix, I can't afford to do it right now.

    My home life is atrocious. My dad is bi-polar and suffering from depression but being the hard northerner he is wouldn't ever admit it to himself or get anything done about it so I'm constantly at the end of a barrage of verbal abuse from him and I get no empathy or support with regards to my recent break up or condition. (general advice is, she wasn't right for you from the start cos she was always weird when she came here...little did he know that she was uncomfortable here because of him but I wouldn't tell him that). He doesn't work so he's here all the time. My mum works but she had a heart attack a few weeks ago, not too serious but it's made life even more difficult because I now get blasted with the "think of your poor mother working all hours of the week to keep the family going" speech from my dad, despite the fact that he doesn't work or do anything really.

    So the only real option I have in life at the moment is sit here in front of my computer, playing the odd game, listening to music and applying for hundreds of jobs every day (that's not an exaggeration).

    But now it's getting worse, because now I'm getting shit for sitting in my room all of the time, but there really is nothing else to do, if I go downstairs it's just arguments and boredom, why would I want to be out of my box? A lot of people have suggested joining a club...but gods honest truth, there is nothing around here and even if there were, even some of the smallest hobbies require money I don't have.

    The only good thing that's happening is that my app (see my sig) while once unofficial has been officially licensed and I now work directly with Steve Coogan and the Alan Partridge team which is great but it's not going to help in the short term as I can only rely on profits and they aren't going to rise until the film comes out on DVD on Dec 2nd.

    I've started counselling which helps deal with some of my own inner demons but as for my life, I'm getting worried. I just can't see a way out. I have no money, barely any friends, I hate where I live (but the council won't rehome me as they see me as adequately housed because we have a spare room) and it seems impossible to get a job.

    I've got plenty of free time on my hands so I could work on apps and stuff but for the past year I've tried many different things and they've all failed so it's hard to get the motivation to carry on and of course it means spending more time in my room which equals more abuse.

    So what would anyone recommend? I'm starting to get really down about it, there just doesn't seem to be any escape?

    I'm trying to stay positive and get some exercise etc but this whole scenario is just getting worse and nothing is happening fast enough to make me feel better. Winter is coming and that makes things around here even tougher. My girlfriend was what kept me going and she was amazing but I think my slipping into this situation is what made her lose attraction in me, which is understandable but makes me even more frustrated with myself.
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2013
  2. Faded

    Faded <B>Site Supporter 2014</B>

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    The first and foremost thing I can really say about your situation currently is that I'm sorry and I feel for you. Granted, I don't know outside of the forums, I can relate to what you are going through when it comes to the depression thing. I've had my bouts with severe depression and I've had moments where I've just went mental. The best way that I've dealt through my depression is by taking my mind off of the current situation and all of the pessimistic thoughts I had and putting my mind into a different area with a different hobby or topic. I've found that music helps me clear my mind on what's currently going on around me and I just sketch or write a short story or even just read. I wouldn't say my living situation is as bad as what yours seems to be at this point and time but I've had to deal with my parents fighting even to this day. I'm not one that likes to see people fight with one another because it usually always ends up worse than it was before. I should ask, what do you like to do in your spare time? Try to take your mind off the negativity with the things you like to do aside from being on the computer. If you can't find yourself to do any of those things, go for a walk to maybe a spot that you enjoy going to or perhaps take a nature walk. Nature walks are a good way to relieve stress and depression because it allows you to take in the air by yourself and if all goes well, you'll appreciate on how beautiful it can be.

    Secondly, don't blame yourself or get frustrated at yourself. We are all human and we all make mistakes in our life, it's what makes us human. No single person in this world is perfect, we all have our flaws and shortcomings that make us stand out from the rest of the crowd. The thing I wouldn't dwell on the most is about what made your girlfriend left, because sometimes it's best to just not ask questions because it'll cause you to lose your mind at the end of the day. There may have been other motives than just your living situation but from what I've gathered from you on this forum, you seem like a down to earth guy. I don't want to come off as sounding heartless because I do feel for you even though we haven't met. One of the principles that I've learned in my life is that if someone leaves, there is someone else who is better for you to fill that void in your heart. It might sound hearless and I do apologize but I've been in similar situations where I was cheated on and I'd get upset about it which got me to where I am today. I'm engaged because I applied one of the principles I grew up on when I started dating. Again man, I am sorry for the situation that you are in but if you ever need anyone to talk to, don't hesitate to send me a private message or add me to Skype. Talking is just one of the many things that will help you out because you don't want to bottle it all up inside.
     
  3. synrgy87

    synrgy87 Well Known Member

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    i'd say pack up and go somewhere else, do anything, make a change, im in kind of a similar position employment wise which does not help matters, I have my ups and downs, and to make matters worse, currently i need to find a place to live or i'll end up either on someones sofa or moving to another country with the folks which i really dont want to be doing at my age.

    we've all got out problems we just have to deal with them and keep going.
     
  4. Blob

    Blob Rapidly Rising Member

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    I've been in the same boat pretty much, cept I'm married and got my own house and 3 kids to keep up with. It's the job that really chaps my arse. Not that many around here but I reckon if I moved up North I'd have more of a chance since they're usually more open minded than around here, but yes that ain't something that will fly by the ceo, cause of family around here and the fact she likes living like this in ghetto and poverty status for some reason.. Won't move for a better outlook and to get the eff outta debt and cash our $$$ out of this house. I had a nice job setup not long ago, got hired onboard right away, just to get tossed back out 4 days later even tho the hire letter said annual reviews would be done not just a few wee days let alone a couple "Print Jobs" later let alone a primary task assigned to me nor anyone there even got to know me at all. Simply because I was hearing impaired... Im deaf, but I don't bite or anything I can*communicate*via IM / Chat / email / notes / texting I'd say from your setup I'd certainly try what Faded has recommended like going for a nice walk and having a wee bit of these in my avatar, its not your fault. It's bullshit and it happens. But not to sound heartless. If she didn't hang in there with you through these times then maybe its for the best I have gotten that depressed and down before.*Just forget her,*chief*your troubles away and go for a walk. Keep on throwing out these job apps tho! Don't limit yourself to a location if possible!! Some places offer relocation etc ;-) *Best luck to you man!!! *Maybe Mum and Pa could also use some of these as well after you get back from your walk just let them have the roaches ;-)
     
  5. arnoldlayne

    arnoldlayne Resolute Member

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    You have a roof over your head and food on the table, things could be a lot worse.

    I know what you mean about a stubborn notherner dad, my old man's from Northumberland and he seems to relish making everyone's lives a misery, pretty similar to yours by all accounts. Thankfully we're in transit and we've only had to live with him for a couple of years - and next year we'll be out into our new home we're renovating - but man, he can sure make life hell for everyone. It doesn't really matter if you've spent all day down a coal pit, or sat on the sofa, either way you'll always be a lazy sod - that sums up my old man. Just ignore him and don't fan the flames... that just about works.

    The reality is work is hard to find - you're looking, you've got the skills - keep looking and you'll find something, eventually... just gotta play the waiting game and not get too complacent about it.

    Chin up, things will get better - and remember you've got it a lot better than most people on this tiny planet.
     
  6. ASSEMbler

    ASSEMbler Administrator Staff Member

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    Twimfy I'd be glad to help.

    Hardships in life are made much worse when you have toxic people around you.

    Spend as much time away from the house, come home only to sleep.

    Look for something odd / out of your normal experience or comfort level to do as a temporary job.
    Check the jobs in all categories and look for things that get you curious.

    The biggest problem you have is you are trapped with your stress elements.

    Stress:

    Check pc for job responses
    At home, brooding people around you
    In the room, trapped physically and psychologically

    Dealing with the girlfriend / loneliness issue on top of this is probably the hardest part.

    Look for some kind of positive volunteering experience or job like working in a hospital or
    with animals, promotion work, anything oddball and stimulating.
    It's about change and getting away, as well as doing something new.

    Rewarding jobs are almost always at non-profits. You feel like you are doing good for people, and in
    many cases you really are and feel good.

    Try to volunteer somewhere. You might not get paid, but you will be around positive people, smiling
    faces and it's like fresh air in your life. Be honest with people! If you are volunteering and one of the staff
    asks you what made you decide to help, tell them you are unemployed and down but want to do
    positive things and help. Most times a job start is soon to follow.

    The most important thing at the moment is to break free of the prison you are in for a bit.
    Psychology says this requires three days being away to reset the internal clock and the brain.
    Try to get away for a few days, then on the last day set goals and reflect on what you need / don't need
    in your life.

    A cousin of mine does front desk / hotel management and he works at night. The quiet time alone leaves
    lots of time to code or study. It also gets you access to free or cheap rooms almost anywhere!

    I wish you the best.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2013
    Blob likes this.
  7. Fudge

    Fudge Spirited Member

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    I feel you dude. As long as you take steps to improve your life, it will get better gradually. I'm keeping that mindset right now and I'm hoping by next year I'll be away from home and mentally feel much more calm.
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2013
  8. Twimfy

    Twimfy Site Supporter 2015

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    Thanks for all of your kind words and suggestions so far.

    I do realise that I am better off than a lot of people. The problem is though, while I sympathise, I am still me and I can't totally ignore what's going on in my own life just because something worse is happening to others.

    Some of you have suggested that I spend as little here as possible or volunteer or something. The issue is if I leave the house...there is nowhere to go. I can't afford to drive or even take a bus. I have £1.43 to my name at this very minute until friday when my benefit comes in, of which £96 out of £140 is all owed out.

    So that kinda rules out any volunteering because I physically cannot get to those places and if I could, should the benefits office find out, they'd reduce or cut my benefit entirely.

    As for job searching, I am not being picky, I am literally applying for everything, even stuff I know I'll hate doing, just anything to get me back on my feet but I'm not getting phone calls or even rejection emails.

    I'm feeling a little more disheartened as I applied for a bar job at a place not far from me. Despite having 9+ years of bar and hospitality experience, I've just seen on Facebook that they've given an interview to a guy I know who I kid you not cannot even read or write. I called them to see how my application was going and they said I hadn't been picked this time. What gives?

    I know that many of you will look at my words above and potentially see me as being negative or argumentative, I'm not, I'm trying to stay positive but a good attitude is totally useless when there's no where to show it or apply it. This is what worries me, until someone offers me an interview or even better a job, I'm totally directionless and when the nights kick in I feel like I'm going to go crazy.
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2013
  9. sabre470

    sabre470 Site Supporter 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014 & 2015

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    First thing first, you don't leave someone that is down that's just cruel, so in my view you are better off, relationship wise.

    It's good to see that you have a positive attitude, that you are seeking counselling and most importantly that you've realised that there is a problem, that you are opened about it and finally you know that you need to do something about it.

    You're half way there.

    You need to leave the nest as soon as possible, but in your situation, you need to take it one step at a time.

    Let's start with the basics of job hunting, how is your CV looking like these days?
     
  10. Kao

    Kao Gutsy Member

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    In regards to depression, remember this: life ALWAYS goes on. As difficult and unhappy as things may feel at this moment, never lose sight of the fact that things will get better as time goes on. Remember that you have people who care about you, online and offline. A good way to help combat depression is to eat lots of fruits and take walks or otherwise be active outdoors. It really does help. Staying in place, staring at a screen--these things really worsen your state of mind, so even if there's nothing to "do" outside, just get out there for the sake of being out there.

    In terms of work opportunities, I think it's great that you've been applying to anything and everything. I'm sorry it hasn't worked out for you yet. But don't give up! Consider a role in QA if there are any game studios or even just software development houses near you. It's a great place to get a foot in the door where that "overqualified yet underexperienced" black hole doesn't really take effect.

    We're all rooting for you and wishing you the very best, Twimfy. Please keep your head up and keep marching on. :)
     
  11. ASSEMbler

    ASSEMbler Administrator Staff Member

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    Send me a resume Twimfy.
     
  12. Bad_Ad84

    Bad_Ad84 The Tick

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    This is not correct. The Job Centre allow volunteer work, as it make you more employable.

    Here is a handy PDF:
    http://www.dwp.gov.uk/docs/dwp1023.pdf

    Basically, you can do volunteer work and they can pay you expenses (travel, food, etc) without it affecting your benefits.
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2013
  13. Twimfy

    Twimfy Site Supporter 2015

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    This I was not aware of. I'm due to go in on Tuesday so maybe there's something they can suggest.

    @Kao, thankfully through counselling and a suggestions from a other few friends, I can envisage a better future, I have plans of what I want to do and where I want to be but after 11 months of applying for every single job I can find, almost every day and not having one single interview it's gotten to the point where I'm losing hope. And although I will get over my break up and it gets better every day, my gf was the one constant I had to keep me going :-/

    @Kev. Ok will do.

    The other thing I feel I need to be careful with is relocation too. I understand that I may need to move to get a better job but I don't want to be too far away. To remove myself from my already distant friends would probably do me more harm than good. This is something I've discussed with my counsellor and they agree to some extent. Getting counselling might make you wonder why I'm even bringing any of this up on here...well a lot of counselling is based on theory and behaviour analysis. I thought maybe someone would be able to say "I was in that situation and I did x,y and z" but I realise it's not that straight forward.

    The encouragement so far has been good though so thanks all.
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2013
  14. sonicdude10

    sonicdude10 So long AG and thanks for all the fish!

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    Not to make light of the situation but you could be like me and have a brain disorder that makes it near impossible to hold a job. (Autism...) While I have the physical and mental capability to work, I don't have the social understanding needed and it is pretty much impossible to learn it.

    I get by with helping my grandparents on their ranch all I can in return for the housing, food, and utilities I use. I at least have disability benefits here in the USA but that is small at best and half or better goes for the few things I pay for to live.

    What really makes it hard on us is due to my autism I have violent anger outbursts at random times. That's why I seem so angry at times when I get shot down in some way. Add to that diabetes, inability to handle the desert heat, a really high metabolic rate (3x that of the average person), problems with getting stressed, and what is most likely light depression and I have a hard time.

    But I get by and try to look for the good things even in the shittiest conditions. Look at it this way. You have a roof over your head, food, clothing, etc. If you father is really that bad, find a way to get out. My stepfather was physically abusive to me. I was able to stop most of it when I proved to be physically stronger than him. Of course he told me to quite literally "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!!" That just made it better since I needed somewhere to go and my grandparents needed some major help on their ranch.

    Things aren't perfect by any means (especially with my outbursts) but we get by.

    I hope for the best for you.
     
  15. Twimfy

    Twimfy Site Supporter 2015

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    Don't get me wrong. As I've said, I do count my lucky stars when I compare myself to others and I do totally understand that other people, such as yourself have a hard time of it too. To some people I probably look like some whiney bloke who just needs to man up and sort his shit out. Life is shit and we all have our problems, I know that.

    But the issue I'm having is that even with this realisation, I cannot find the good or the focus in my day to day life. Nothing at all makes me happy right now, I can find scraps of hope in the future to cling on to but in the short term there is nothing and had this come about just now then I'd be happy to say...well it's a blip, we all have them, I'll get over it, but it's not like that, this has been going on for an uncomfortably long time and I just feel very close to giving up. Getting out of this place is the solution or at least a part of it...I have looked at it from every angle and I cannot see a way out. I have no relatives within 350 miles I could stay with or friends who could put me up.

    I told the housing agency about my situation and they said...well you've got a spare room in your current house, you're haven't got kids and you aren't expecting one and the altercations with your family aren't police worthy so you're staying put. Heck even if they did offer me something, it doesn't feel right taking from the system, I feel embarrassed as it is claiming benefit.

    EDIT: For those of you who are wondering about my Resume/CV you can find it here (removed telephone numbers). I don't know if it's good or bad but I've had a very inconsistent working life with a lot of gaps so it's hard to fill out without looking like a confused mess. I usually have a few different version depending on what I'm applying for. https://www.dropbox.com/s/wbspvyk80wwmkjv/Tim Hugall CV 2013.doc
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2013
  16. goldenband

    goldenband Spirited Member

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    For folks who have transportation or can't get to a job, is Amazon Mechanical Turk a viable option for at least earning a little bit of money? Or has it been totally taken over by people from developing economies who charge a pittance?

    @OP: I know a lot of people in a situation similar to yours, in varying degrees; I've been in a much milder version of it myself. It's tough stuff, with no easy answers, lots of guilt, and an incredible amount of inertia to overcome. Human beings aren't really meant to live without a supportive, physically present community, and most of us gradually get depressed and/or crazy without it. One of the few bulwarks against total despair, I've found, is to make a point of learning things and setting goals, even if it's stupid stuff like learning the Russian alphabet or memorizing a page of Shakespeare. Accomplishing something, even something insignificant, is infinitely better than doing nothing.

    EDIT: Noticed from your resume that you taught ESL in South Korea. How did you get set up with that? Is there any chance of pursuing it again? I was under the impression that competent ESL teachers are in very high demand, and I'd think your experience should count for a lot.

    That story makes me feel like I've walked into a Sting song! (Not a diss, BTW -- seems like half of his songs are about abusive fathers in the North East.)
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2013
  17. Twimfy

    Twimfy Site Supporter 2015

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    I simply went through an agency, in SK you don't need a qualification, only a degree. It's something I could do again, but I found that being out of the country for a long period can do more harm than good. Besides if I were to do it, there's the issue of paying for the flights :)

    What's this Amazon thing that you speak of?
     
  18. hiroki

    hiroki Active Member

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    Could you not ask at the job centre if they have any concession bus/train passes to help you get out and about? Or with your counsellor?

    Staying active and away from stressful situation seems to be the key
     
  19. Twimfy

    Twimfy Site Supporter 2015

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    Job Centre will only pay for travel if it's to a job and exceeds something like 65 miles (can't remember the exact figure). The whole system is a joke to be honest. I don't want handouts I want a job...and I've begged them to get me anything but "they don't do that anymore".
     
  20. smf

    smf mamedev

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    A friend of mine did teaching in china (he's out there still, but I think he's changed jobs). The school paid for his initial flight.

    He changed jobs because he's trying to get experience so that he can find a job and return to the uk, so I understand why it's not something you might want to do.
     

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