Gaming while Clinically depressed- an account

Discussion in 'Off Topic Discussion' started by GodofHardcore, Oct 11, 2018.

  1. GodofHardcore

    GodofHardcore Paragon of the Forum *

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    I don't mean feeling sad about something. I mean depression so bad it messes with your sensory input and memory your perception of time is completely messed up. Basically FULL on Clinical depression.

    Today so far has been the first normal day I've had since Late August where everything I did just fit together to form a total picture of what a day is. So I'm pretty sure I'm either over it or almost over it.
    I've had to deal with a clueless therapist who looked like Ursula from the Little Mermaid, I was put on Lexapro which I'm pretty sure almost killed me. That and all the Crap I was self medicating with. You ever see Totoro on Melatonin? I have it was not a pleasant experience.

    Anyways the effect it had on me gaming was an odd one.

    I got a Mega Everdrive X7 thinking it would knock me out of this...it didn't I was a bit over whelmed by all the games presented to me and nothing I was playing really broke through.

    Dragon Ball Fighter Z was something I could play but I wasn't getting the most out of it, The damage done to my attention span didn't make getting how it played down all that well, Most fights seemed to be shorter than they really were.

    Very early on in depression I got Guardian Heroes, I couldn't even play it. (and it came with the spine card taped to the case, I'd have raised more hell about that in my right mind)

    Axelay I always sucked at, while depressed, I sucked at it even more.

    Vampire Savior on Saturn, I actually learned a few things about how the game played I never knew but a session felt like 5 seconds and I beat the game twice with Morrigan and BB Hood.

    Mega Man 11 over loaded my senses and I could not enjoy it at all, the Demo hit pretty early in my depressed state so I had gotten familiar with Block Man's stage, but Going through it was nearly impossible. I played it on the 2nd difficulty and found it way too easy. So I blasted through it in an afternoon which again seemed like a much shorter time span. I restarted on Normal, beat Block Man Sunday morning and in my Lexapro haze, I forgot to save so when I picked it back up thinking Great I NEVER have to do Block man again (which I will as I will play the hell out of this game) I just beat Block man about an hour ago (while typing this) I'm playing it mostly in Handheld mode on Swtich since I kicked myself out of my apartment.

    Splatoon 2 Splatfest was HARD to get through I maxed out my rank and leveled up a few times, but last Tuesday I reached level 34 and felt nothing. I find it impossible to be sad playing Splatoon but just playing the game was very difficult as I couldn't focus and with my altered perception of time 3 minutes either felt longer or shorter while experiencing it. I did gain a love for Splatzones though.

    And finally the kicker. Depression made me decent at Donkey Kong ALL my highest scores ever were while I was depressed, My current high Score is 35,100. I hope to get up to around 100k at some point. I don't know if my skills will transfer over to a normalish state.

    I thought somebody might find this interesting. I haven't even touched Fist of the North Star Lost Paradise yet. I want to be 1000% when I play that. While depressed I already felt like my head was going to explode and that I was Already dead.
     
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  2. arnoldlayne

    arnoldlayne Resolute Member

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    Now there's a new field for academics - gaming therapy.

    I'm guessing the games work because they provide a distraction from the depression, so on that count I'd recommend a decent RPG, something that is much more immersive than the games you've mentioned above (in terms of gaming time, story, etc...)

    Chin up!
     
  3. -=FamilyGuy=-

    -=FamilyGuy=- Site Supporter 2049

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    I don't really think I can say anything to help you, but I wish I could.

    Godspeed.

    Fuck depression.
     
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  4. GodofHardcore

    GodofHardcore Paragon of the Forum *

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    There are studies that show Tetris helps A LOT, It helped me and I forgot to mention it earlier.

    I am starting to get better, My memory is improving, the days are starting to flow better
    and blur together a bit more. My Mood has stablized. I'm not 100% and there are things I'm doing to fix my brain's perception of time so I can, ya know enjoy things more. It's a process but at least I'm not a sobbing mess anymore. Thing is there is literally no reason why I should be depressed, we think something went Boom but we're not sure what.
     
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  5. Ergot_Cholera

    Ergot_Cholera Flaccid Member

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    I have been taking anti depressants for 12 years.
    Playing games sometimes helps, other times I just can't bring myself to do it.
     
  6. GodofHardcore

    GodofHardcore Paragon of the Forum *

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    I'm not sure they even work. I'm steadily getting better and getting interested in things again. I've been sleeping very well so much so I don't want to get up in the morning.

    Signs started to show up something was off when I'd get home stare at the corner of my TV and wonder if I even went anywhere at all, a few days later I woke up having a full on Panic attack, I tend to get those for no reason. Labor day weekend flew by and that Tuesday was when I broke down, the next day I was ok but tet day after that my perception of reality was warped and I wasn't really the same after that. About 4 days later I had to go to urgent care but they just gave me Clazonapam....the side effects of which... Depression. They refer me to counseling I call but don't get paired with who I was referred to, instead I get stuck with this horrible horrible woman who looks exactly like Ursula from the Little Mermaid. Desperate to find a doctor my dad makes me an appointment with his PA, in the meantime I put myself on melatonin but had no idea what dose to take so that fucked up hardcore. I see the PA and with no exam get put on Lexapro. I'm also having problems with my insurance so getting the care I need isn't easy, still waiting on my new cards. Anyway Saturday comes and I Spend it watching Wrestling then Sunday came and I swear the Lexapro almost killed me. I was so scared for my well being I spent the night with my dad. Monday I moved in with my dad for the time being and iveI been getting better I stopped talking EVERYTHING. I'm not 100% yet but Memory is better and my days feel more coherent. I'm staying with my dad probably until Halloween before I head back.

    I probably left a ton out, like how feelings felt amplified, how I couldn't focus, how my perception of time was completely wreaked. OH and uh....that fact that I was insanely horny the entire time. This all hit at a really bad time too as I'm supposed to take a placement test so I know what classes to take before I finally can get a degree. In the shape I'm in I can't take it. As I get better I'm starting to get interests back, and a few new ones, I've been watching a crap ton of cooking shows this week for example.

    Talking about it doesn't exactly help but For all the "I struggle with depression" posts on Social media you see, nobody really ever says what that entails. So I want to document it so people do know.
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2018
  7. dark

    dark Dauntless Member

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    GodofHardcore, sorry to hear about your depression. It's certainly not the same situation, but I have been very aware of my own experience with depression and gaming. Basically, gaming has helped reduce depression in my life, but has also contributed to feelings of depression. Some memories of my own experiences are below.

    I had kicked video games to the side shortly after going to college, just kinda felt like I outgrew them. Several years after college in my mid 20s I was dealing with depression and malaise in connection with not having an income, struggling to find a job, not being in a relationship, etc. I was in a new part of the country without friends and my efforts to make new friends hadn't really panned out much at the time. My days were very dull, it felt like nothing significant was happening in my life, and that was probably a key contributor for my depression.

    Somehow I was browsing ebay around this time and noticed that the various import video games that I had always thought as unobtainable for my nostalgic favorite system, the dreamcast, were now readily available and in many cases extremely affordable compared to what they went for in the good old days circa 2001/2002. Not only that, but the sega sports dreamcast I always wanted could be bought for like $20 on ebay at the time. So basically I started buying old video games that I had always wanted back in the day. Due to my cash flow situation, I deliberately rationed buying this stuff so I would buy maybe 1 $15 import game every 3-4 weeks. I began playing the games, which was itself nostalgic and fun and was a good evening's break from what I would otherwise be doing which was probably reflecting on how crummy and boring my life seemed at the time, so it was a positive distraction. Further, rationing out the game buying over a long period of time gave me something to look forward to. Perhaps even more than playing the games, knowing I had a present for myself coming in the mail that I was interested in and knew I would have some fun with elevated my mood and helped with my depression. Rationing the game buying also let me focus on that one new game I had bought for the next 3 or so weeks until the next new one came in, so I was playing them in a deeper manner rather than just collecting a dozen games and flipping around for 15 minutes between each game at a surface level.

    The flip side to this is that after several years, my life becoming better, and having an income, I basically became a more normal game collector. Eventually I knew I had collected several thousand dollars worth of games and hardware. While I played everything I bought, at a certain point you have so much on the shelf amongst all the consoles that you're not playing most of it. It started feeling like my collection was a waste since over the years it started to just be something to look at on the shelf rather than play. It got to be an emotional burden to look at it, I felt like it was a wasteful habit/addiction and the money that went into it could have been better spent on something else. I packed it all up into cardboard boxes and put those into a closet. Packing it away and taking a break from it helped my depression at that time.

    Nowadays I've become very picky about what games I buy, I might not buy any new games for the collection for several months (especially since I have already amassed most of the stuff I really wanted to play over the last few years). I also did some moderate downsizing, and sold some big ticket items that although I thought they were cool, I just simply never used and felt like I had gotten the most I ever would out of (such as my atari jaguar and jaguar cd unit and my 3DO). Downsizing some of these expensive and never used items helped me justify keeping much of the remaining components of my collection, and made it feel like it wasn't as big of a waste since I didn't have as much money tied up into the games and hardware. This further helped my feeling of depression regarding my collection.
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2018
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  8. GodofHardcore

    GodofHardcore Paragon of the Forum *

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    That is very different from what I experienced/am going through but I can relate over the summer I amassed a metric shitton of games, I hooked up consoles I haven't played in years, I was planning on getting a PC to put Launchbox on, buy another OG Xbox and get a more recent 360, I was even stongly considering an AES, but once I got hit with my Depression none of that mattered. Time was moving too fast for me to enjoy anything while that sensation is gone now the Psychological damage is going to need to be addressed. I have zero concept of Kyros time right now.

    I picked up a book on Time Management tonight it might help me get a grip on things. We're also getting one of those Stair climber exercise thingies. Working out early in the morning might help make my days more coherent again.
     
  9. Nully

    Nully Dauntless Member

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    I think depression and anxiety is a natural response to an unwanted situation. Your brain is telling you that what you're doing right now is not what you actually want to do, but you're forcing yourself to stay in that situation. Granted I didn't read all your posts, but you should re-evaluate your life and ask yourself what you really want out of life and try to find a way to pursue that goal or else you'll always live in eternal depression and uncomfortably. Speaking as someone who has always dealt with high levels of anxiety and depression, I'm the type of person who constantly runs from these feelings; whether it be moving to a new place, quitting jobs constantly or at some points, self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. I don't think trying to force yourself into enjoying your time by means of escapism in the form of video games is going to help you much. This is a core problem that needs to be sorted from the inside. I can't say that medication helps as it's done nothing for me in the past and just gave me a new slew of side-effects that made life even worse. I hope you can find peace, but your method of action is probably not what's going to do it.
     
  10. GodofHardcore

    GodofHardcore Paragon of the Forum *

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    It really depends there's a difference between being sad an Anxious and having Clinical depression and Anxiety for absolutely no reason at all.

    I am prone to the latter. I do have Anxiety over certain things but I'm also prone to panic attacks for no reason. I've been down int he dumps, but I've never felt NUMB like felt nothing a few weeks ago I was completely numb, it might have been something I did to my self with Melatonin or it could have been my depression. I don't know how much of this I did to myself trying to fix the initial episode.
     
  11. pato

    pato Resolute Member

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    Man that sucks, while I don't have depression, I'm quite off the tracks of what i've used in time spent playing, but recently i've been playing more with the OG xbox, I have a PS4 since months later after the launch and barely played on it (its been a year or more), even bought Cowadoody IW for the COD 4 bonus (was cheaper than on PC) and yet I still have to finish Far Cry Instincts Evolution.

    I think it could be the meds, they have a huge impact and inappropriate applications/doses will turn that up to eleven, and jugding by the games you played, you are not having any pleasure but ""gained"" a sense of details to make 'em through easier, have you tried completely new games or ones you haven't played for years?
     
  12. GodofHardcore

    GodofHardcore Paragon of the Forum *

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    I'm going to play a long ass RPG on my Switch and take it to places I don't normally game. Today has been the most normal I've been. (Got Pissed off that Western Sony is back to their old tricks and censoring games) This afternoon I found that Splatoon got the update I thought was coming next week or the week after. So I played some Splatoon today while watching BBQ Pitmasters and Yelling at Playstation fanboys on social media.

    I think I'm getting back to normal.

    For the record I have about 105 hours logged in Splatoon 2.
     
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  13. -=FamilyGuy=-

    -=FamilyGuy=- Site Supporter 2049

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    I'm glad to hear that. It might take time, but it'll get better.
     
  14. PixelButts

    PixelButts Site Soldier

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    Held off on this mainly because I've been busy. I wont bring extremes into this or high detail about my life but this should for the most part be seen as a suggestion to try some stuff more than an solution.

    I've more or less found my solution to be picking up something (in my case 2 hobbies) that I seem to enjoy and rolling with it until there's literally nothing left I can do with them. I've hopped hobbies once or twice, both lasting me a good number of years. Might not be as simple for others but in my case it led me to a very strange path where I learned enough to branch onto some other thing.
    I dont play new games, mainly for my own distaste in how the industry is handling itself. That more or less leaves me with playing older games or picking up games in that era to play and seeing where it'll take me next. I'm far more interested to learn what else there is and that seems to keep me going.
    In my specific case I also cant travel for a while for my small mishap with capcom but that doesn't stop me from enjoying what's local to me. I pop into my local gamestop or mom and pop shop and see what's up with new and old stuff they got.
    Pursue what you like, see where it leads you because it's not a dead unless you make it one.

    I used to take medication, but I hated that so I stopped and went cold turkey (please dont do this, it's a very bad idea). It took a while but I did manage to work myself into a spot where I didn't need meds or therapy (i even just recently no longer need to see my psychiatrist after 10 years) so I can say that while it may take a while and some effort you can still get to a pretty okay spot.
    I found talking helps. Talk about what I still like, talk about what I hate. Eventually you'll find like minded people and share some laughs and whatnot.
    Be sure to go outside here and there. I dont do that regularly and it's not doin me any favors.
     
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  15. GodofHardcore

    GodofHardcore Paragon of the Forum *

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    I really appreciate all the input you guys are giving me. It's not like I was seeking advice when I started this thread. Just wanted to share what I was going through because what happens is something nobody talks about.

    I posted this same thread on Racketboy nobody answered but the site owner himself e-mailed me with a bunch of Rom Links (I mentioned I need some Japanese PS1 games and had no where to find them short of BUYING a Japanese PS1)

    Curious about this Small Mishap with Capcom. I do love me some Capcom games.
     
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  16. Vosse

    Vosse Well Known Member

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    Anti depressants are nothing but a bandaid when you can't learn to deal with the real issue and learn to cope with it on your own.
    That's my opinion anyway, but there is no problem in taking them if you feel they help you.
    (Not to mention the side effects of SSRIs and the withdrawal if you stop certain ones. Taking an SSRI for anxiety/depression years ago made me realize this and how terrible it made me feel. I wanted to conquer things under my own power and tackle the root issues instead. I succeed about 85% of the time. And it was even better before I got Tinnitus and a few other ear problems 2 years ago and some chronic sinus issue as well.That started the struggle all over again.
    Also: Funny that those pills made you horny, when I took SSRIs I was almost the opposite and suffered from retarded ejaculation as well.)

    Same with anxiety. You are your own worst enemy in both regards.
    Talking about things or having an outlet to vent can be helpful. Gotta get it out sometime.
    We are all capable of making some kind of positive change or focusing on things in our life that we have control over or the power to change.

    You only get to live once though, so really find out and focus on what you love doing and things you love and how you want to live your life on your own terms. Society puts unrealistic pressure on people to achieve certain things, become financially successful, do [insert here], you have to have kids,yadda yadda. And then the media over glamorizing celebrities, everyone starts to compare themselves to their perception of what they think society expects of them. And none of that shit matters. We all end up in the same place and then none of that matters.
    What does matter is finding what is important to how you want to live your life and that you do the things you genuinely want to do.

    My own issues directly interfere with what was my main interest and passion, which was game music. And that can make me feel depressed and anxious here and there. But I gotta keep getting up and living because I can't change what has happened to me, but I can make positive changes and choices in the rest of my life and even try to get creative to help cope and compensate for some of my issues.
    I had horrible self esteem and so I finally really put 100% into fitness because I *could* change that aspect of my life.
    I've lost a net 90lbs in the last 2 years and a gross of 70lbs at my current weight. I'm still not quite in the physical shape i'd like to be, but it's a slow process.

    Working at my job, I run into other people's problems on a regular basis and things like death. And this always serves to remind me that life is worth living and that nothing matters more than getting what I want out of life and doing the things I enjoy.
    Today was one such reminder when the mother of a patient of ours who was on hospice care came in to pick something up for herself and was a pin needle away from completely breaking down because she had to let us know that she was still getting automated reminder calls for her daughter, 18 who had recently just died from fighting off cancer for several years. Barely even 18. We all knew death was all but knocking on her door the last few months but you always hold out hope.

    Same day, having to help another patient who I know has terminal cancer and you can't help but feel crushed on the inside and feel reminded of all the times his wife came in complaining about how they for the longest time could never find out what was causing problems for him. And what you know guess what, it's cancer and too late to do anything.
    Life is too short.

    This may have gone on too long and maybe off tangent. But your life is worth living and keep fighting for happiness!
     
  17. GodofHardcore

    GodofHardcore Paragon of the Forum *

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    Being around Death is horrible for a person's Psyche. Mortally has a tenancy to remind me of it's ever looming presence at night when I'm trying to sleep. My first depressive bout at 21 was triggered by trying to ponder the infinite and my own mortality, and I'm a Christian... These things SHOULDN'T bother me. Then there are like 4 instances where I kid you not, I was some kind of Harbinger. That shit is freaky.

    I'm heavily reconsidering my pursuit of a Career in Psychology after all this. Is it really worth 8 more years of my life I could spend doing other things just to make a 6 figure income listening to how miserable people are and telling them what is wrong with their brain that's making them miserable? It's not that my psychology classes have been useless though and I'd go far to say Carl Jung is one of my idols. But I feel like there is something else for me out there might not make the money I'd make as a Psy.D but I'd waste less time and get to doing whatever it is. I always wanted to be a DJ, sometimes I'm putting together these amazing lists on Spotify and the bug hits me again or I find some amazing deep house track and want to be in the club with all these 20 something thots hanging off this older DJ bringing on the beats. I love Jazz too and would love to do something with that. I feel like I should go for it. I should've gone for it in my 20s when I was even more lost than I am now. But after this depressive bout I'm like, "You beat this thing's ass in a month and half. If you can do that you can do anything."
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2018
  18. -=FamilyGuy=-

    -=FamilyGuy=- Site Supporter 2049

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    How old are you?

    Pursuing higher education solely for the pay grade isn't really a good idea. If you have the passion after a few classes, yeah. But don't assume that a PhD implies easy employment and big salary from the get go.

    This is the perspective of someone about to finish his PhD.
     
  19. GodofHardcore

    GodofHardcore Paragon of the Forum *

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    I'm 37 So I'm no spring chicken. I'd like to have some sort of degree by 40, and according to my transcript I'm 1/4th of the way there and if I double up on Classes I should reach that goal. Just what that degree is going to be I have no idea now.
     
  20. -=FamilyGuy=-

    -=FamilyGuy=- Site Supporter 2049

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    Don't read me wrong, getting a degree is great!

    Just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. I've seen too many people suffering through a degree they don't like and that makes them miserable, all that to finally end up doing something else completely unrelated.
     

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